Episode 4

"Thou Art Not My Uber" 

If Shakespeare Tried Ride-Sharing

Having failed in the realms of digital communication and romance, William Shakespeare has a new, simpler goal: get to the Globe Theatre on time for a rehearsal. He's been told to use a "ride-sharing" app called "Ubereth," which promises a swift and reliable journey.

He opens the app, and the screen displays a map with tiny horse-and-carriages moving about. "Ah, a map!" Shakespeare says with relief. "A fine tool. Now, let us summon this 'Ubereth' to our location."

He enters his destination: "The Globe Theatre, Bankside, London."

A moment later, a message pops up.

Ubereth: Driver "Sir Reginald" is arriving in 5 minutes in a black BMW.

Shakespeare blinks. "A 'BMW'? Is that a breed of steed? And 'Sir Reginald'? I do hope he's a knight of good standing, though I confess I've never heard of him."

He steps out onto the street, peering down the road for a horse-drawn carriage. Five minutes later, a sleek, black automobile pulls up to the curb. The window slides down, revealing a man in a polo shirt.

"Hey, Will?" the driver asks.

Shakespeare approaches the vehicle cautiously. "Art thou 'Sir Reginald'?" he inquires.

The driver chuckles. "Just Reg, mate. Get in, we're on a tight schedule."

Shakespeare hesitates. "But… there is no horse. And this carriage hath no driver's seat. Where is the coachman?"

Reginald sighs. "The engine's in the front, my dude. This thing drives itself, sort of. Now, are we going or what?"

Reluctantly, Shakespeare gets in the back, marveling at the soft leather seats. The car glides away from the curb with no sound of hooves or rattling wheels. He is speechless.

As they travel, Shakespeare attempts to strike up a conversation. "Pray tell, good Reginald, what manner of sorcery is this? How does this contraption move without a beast of burden?"

Reginald glances in the rearview mirror. "It's, uh, gasoline. You know, fuel?"

"A gas? From a liniment?" Shakespeare asks, confused. "Dost thou rub it on its belly?"

Reginald gives up on the explanation and turns up the radio. A loud, rhythmic music fills the car. Shakespeare jumps. "What is this cacophony? It sounds as if a thousand blacksmiths are striking their anvils in unison!"

"It's Drake," Reginald says.

"A drake? A male duck?" Shakespeare exclaims. "My good sir, I do believe you are mad!"

Suddenly, Reginald's phone chimes.

Reginald: Hold on, man, I gotta take this.

He answers the call, holding the phone to his ear.

Reginald: Hey, babe. Yeah, I got Will Shakespeare in the car. We're almost at the Globe... yeah, he thinks my music is blacksmiths. Crazy, right?

Shakespeare, a master of eavesdropping, grows incensed. "Dost thou mock me, Sir Reginald? And to an unseen maiden on the line? I, the creator of Hamlet and Macbeth, am not to be trifled with!"

He reaches for his money pouch, ready to pay the fare and abandon this bizarre journey. But then he notices something on the app. It's asking him to rate Reginald out of five stars.

Shakespeare considers the situation: the baffling ride, the strange conversation, the loud "Drake," and the public humiliation.

He decides to give Reginald a one-star rating and leaves a scathing review. "This journey was a most peculiar and bewildering affair," he dictates into his phone. "The carriage moved with unholy speed, the music was a torment to the ears, and the driver mocked me to a paramour. I shall walk from here on out."

As the car pulls up to the Globe, Shakespeare leaps out and strides away, leaving a baffled Reginald behind. Some things, he concludes, are best left to the simple elegance of a good pair of boots and a straight road.

The series continues next time, when we find out what happens when Shakespeare tries to order a pizza online!