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If Shakespeare Tried Online Dating
Our beloved Bard, William Shakespeare, ever the explorer of human emotions, has ventured into the bewildering world of “SwipeRight,” a digital marketplace for matters of the heart (or at least, a fleeting coffee date). After his frustrating encounters with autocorrect and the brevity of “Twittereth,” he approaches this new technological marvel with a mixture of hope and deep suspicion.
His profile reads: “A writer of plays, fond of iambic pentameter and a good tragedy. Seeks a fair maiden with a quick wit and an appreciation for soliloquies. Inquire within.” His profile picture is a rather serious portrait, ruff and all.
First Match: @FairRosalind
@FairRosalind: Heyyy 😉
Shakespeare (typing): Greetings, fair Rosalind. Prithee, tell me, what doth thy heart desire?
@FairRosalind: Netflix and chill? 😂
Shakespeare stares at the message. “Netflix and… chill? Is this some new form of courtly entertainment I am unaware of? Doth it involve jesters and perhaps a refreshing sorbet?” He decides to play along, albeit with a touch of his usual flair.
Shakespeare (typing): Perchance. But tell me, good Rosalind, what manner of “flix” doth thou enjoy? Are we speaking of tales of daring knights or perhaps the melancholic musings of a prince in Denmark? And what “chill” doth accompany this viewing? A draught of fine ale, perhaps?
@FairRosalind: Ummm… like, movies? And chill means, like, cuddling. 🤷♀️
Shakespeare’s eyebrows shoot up. “Cuddling? Without even a sonnet exchanged? The world has indeed changed!” He wonders if this “Netflix and chill” is a shortcut to the romantic entanglements he usually spends five acts building towards.
Second Match: @DarkLadySonia
@DarkLadySonia: You seem… interesting. What kind of plays do you write?
Shakespeare (typing with enthusiasm): My dear Sonia, I craft tragedies that tear at the very soul, comedies that tickle the funny bone, and histories that chronicle the rise and fall of kings! My latest tells the tale of a Scottish nobleman driven to madness by ambition!
@DarkLadySonia: Cool. You into Game of Thrones?
Shakespeare sighs. Another reference to a world of dragons and direwolves. “Though I admire a good dramatic arc, my narratives tend to focus on more… human conflicts. Ambition, love, betrayal – the timeless struggles of the mortal coil.”
@DarkLadySonia: Uh huh. So, you got a car?
Shakespeare pauses. A “car”? He pictures a magnificent golden chariot pulled by the finest steeds. “I possess no such… horseless carriage, fair Sonia. My preferred mode of transport involves shank’s mare or, on occasion, a sturdy horse.”
@DarkLadySonia: Lol, ok. Good luck with that. 👋
And with a single swipe, @DarkLadySonia disappears from his screen.
Third Match: @PuckishPenny
@PuckishPenny: Hey there, Bard! Your profile is kinda cute in an old-timey way. 😉
Shakespeare (feeling a flicker of hope): Well met, @PuckishPenny! I find thy… digital greeting most agreeable. What say you to a virtual sonnet exchange? Or perhaps we could debate the merits of blank verse versus rhyming couplets?
@PuckishPenny: Haha, maybe later! What do you do for fun? Besides, you know, the whole writing thing.
Shakespeare (pondering): For amusement? I enjoy a good fencing match, a spirited debate at the local tavern, and the occasional witty banter with my fellow playwrights.
@PuckishPenny: Cool. I’m more into karaoke and escape rooms. You ever tried those?
Shakespeare frowns. “Karaoke? Is that some form of barbaric howling? And an ‘escape room’? Why would one willingly lock oneself in a chamber?”
He realizes that while his words may have captivated audiences for centuries, they seem to be losing something in translation in the fast-paced, emoji-laden world of online dating.
Perhaps, he muses, the complexities of human connection are not best navigated with a simple swipe. Maybe a stolen glance across a crowded ballroom, or the eloquent delivery of a heartfelt monologue, are still the most reliable ways to find a kindred spirit.
Dejected but not entirely surprised, Shakespeare closes the “SwipeRight” app. He picks up his quill once more. Perhaps he’ll write a new comedy about a hapless playwright navigating the absurdities of modern romance. At least that’s a story he understands.